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September 29, 2005

Sex after kids

Article borrowed from The Mirror.co.uk

28 September 2005
PLASTIC SURGERY GAVE ME BACK MY SEX LIFE
AFTER six children, Shirley Clack's love life was a flop so she retorted to drastic measures...
By Susan Tomlinson
WHEN Shirley Clack's body didn't bounce back after having kids, it dealt a crushing blow to her confidence.

"I'd always had a great sex life, but after having six eight-pound babies, my body felt different," says Shirley, 42, a full-time mum from Norwich.

Sadly, Shirley lost two of her six children - one at birth and another to cancer. But, in addition to the emotional pain of their deaths, her body bore the physical scars of six childbirths - she had little sensation in her vagina and the added embarrassment of being incontinent.

"I couldn't even bounce on the trampoline or kick a football around with my kids without needing to rush to the loo," says Shirley.

Not only that, but she looked different, too. And although she hadn't studied her vagina since having her children, her first husband's comments did nothing to boost her confidence.

"My first husband joked things weren't quite how they used to be," she says.

Shirley split from him eight years ago, and remarried the following year. That relationship broke up last year, and she blames her self-consciousness about sex for the separation. "We hadn't slept together for a long time," she says. "I just knew I looked and felt different." After that, Shirley couldn't think about sleeping with a new man, and even found going for a bikini wax or smear test deeply embarrassing.

In desperation, she paid £3,000 for labial surgery and the same for vaginoplasty to restore her body to its pre-childbirth state. Here, she shares her diary...

MAY 5

I HAVE a consultation for my vaginoplasty tomorrow. I had a breast enlargement a few years ago and that worked wonders for my confidence, but I know this operation will make even more difference. Without it, I'm sure I'll never have sex again. I've always been honest with my children, so I've told them about the op.

As a family, we've been through a lot - so I like to be upfront with them. They think it's great that mummy's being made brand new. My youngest child is four and I won't be having any more kids, so I'm craving my own identity again. This is all about being me - not a wife or mother.

MAY 6

DOWNto London for the consultation. I had convinced myself I wouldn't have to have an examination, so when the consultant said: "Let's check you out", I was horrified. I didn't admit I hadn't looked at my vagina for years, and when he showed it to me in the mirror, I wanted to cry. It just wasn't a pretty sight.

It looked so neat before the babies, and though the consultant was charming, seeing it as it is now was very hard. I was taken aback when he said I could have the operation in a week. It's great news but I wasn't expecting it to happen that soon.

MAY 13

IT'S the night before the op and I'm scared. The consultant was reassuring the other day, but he explained things can go wrong. There is a risk the bladder or the bowel could be perforated - unlikely, but possible.

I'm also worried because I had an operation to cut out abnormal cells from my cervix and haemorrhaged. I'm thinking about my kids and wondering if I should go through with it.

MAY 14

I WAS so worried I that I couldn't sleep, and was out of bed at 5.30am. Mum is coming with me, thank goodness.

By the time we arrived at the hospital, I was so nervous but everyone made me feel comfortable. Mum can stay in my room, which is great.

The consultant and the nurse explained everything again and I put on my gown. You have to wear these disposable pants, and stockings to help prevent blood clots.

Once I put them on, it suddenly seemed more real, and I was shaking with nerves. I lay down, they put the anaesthetic in my arm, and I told myself: "OK, I'm going to come out of this a new person."

Afterwards, it took me a while to come round again. I'm very sore - but pleased that it's all over.

MAY 15

I'M TIRED and having the dressing removed was a little tender. But I feel so good about it - though I have visions of it being a big purple, puffy thing at the moment. The doctor asked if I'd taken a peek, and when I told him I hadn't he said: "Well, it's really cute."

MAY 16

I AM throbbing sore. The drive home was difficult - I was bouncing around trying to get comfortable. But I arrived to a big welcome from the kids. They made a banner with love hearts everywhere. I feel so loved and spoilt. I've been told to rest this week - it's a six-week recovery time. I could have sex after that. I haven't had a look at the surgeon's handiwork yet, but I may sneak a peek tonight.

MAY 17

I LOOKED at myself in the mirror for the first time last night. It looks a bit like a patchwork quilt but even with the stitches, it's wonderful.

The bruising is not as bad as I expected. I feel like I'm 18 all over again. It looks so different - I'd recommend it to anybody. In fact, this should be on the NHS - as part of putting things back together again after having kids.

MAY 21

I'M still tender, but I know everything is fine down there and I've already lost my self-consciousness. I've started wearing shorter skirts and little tops. I feel I have the chance to live again and be me. JUNE 4

I'VE pulled some of my stitches, probably by overdoing stuff with the children. But the nurse has taken a good look and apparently everything is fine.

JUNE 11

I'VE been spending a lot of time with an old friend of mine - he's a wonderful man and we get on really well. I think it could be leading somewhere, but I'm nervous about the possibility of having sex. I'm worried the operation might have left things too tight. I don't want to rush it.

JUNE 25

IT'S finally happened - I've had sex with him. We took it very gently, but it was amazing. I've had lots of orgasms, and it feels like the first time - only better.

I'm so happy, it's wonderful being able to have sex without worrying or feeling self-conscious. We're just having fun and enjoying ourselves. I think I deserve it.

The operation

SHIRLEY had two operations - a vaginal tightening (£3-4,000) and labia re-fashioning (£3,000). They are both simple gynaecological procedures that can be performed under general anaesthetic or with an epidural, where you are awake. Each op takes half an hour and recovery time is around six weeks.

A vaginal tightening is basically a tightening of the vaginal wall. As a result of childbirth, the vaginal muscles can often become so stretched that sex is no longer as satisfying. And having lots of children can put pressure on the pelvic floor - in some cases, the uterus can protrude into the vagina, causing incontinence. A vaginoplasty pushes the vaginal muscles up and stitches the newly-tightened muscle in place.

Labia re-fashioning is a trimming down of the vaginal lips or labia. Sometimes a woman feels rubbing or discomfort because she has large labia. In this operation, the labia are simply trimmed.

Find out more

ALTHOUGH these procedures have been popular in the US for some time, only a small number of UK surgeons currently offer them.

If you are interested in finding out more for yourself, ask for advice through your local private hospital, or contact The British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons on 020 7405 2234 or visit www.baaps.org.uk

Once you've found a surgeon, check they're on the General Medical Council's register by visiting www.gmc-uk.org or calling 0845 357 8001.

Posted by jenny at 9:01 AM

September 28, 2005

Cum Swing with me!

Many of the swingers clubs we go to have theme rooms. Anything from a doctors office to a bondage room to a greek or group room. We have tried just about every room they have to offer when we get the chance and have found that the group and bondage rooms are usually so popular your lucky if you can get in!
Some of the clubs have a sign up sheet so that everyone has a chance to try out different rooms on each visit. Alot of the clubs have theme parties, bare as you dare, leather and lace, or panty raid, that was a good one, the husbands would gather up as many panties as they could through the night and the one with the most panties at the end of the night would win a free party.
Sometimes they have games, and other times it's just music and dancing. They usually have some type of food, on holiday weekends they will usually have something more than snacks, like halloween, new years etc.
They even have a room with a swing and a jacuzzi room! It's really a great deal going and you meet alot of other swingers that appeal to you. There are usually at least 15 couples, depending on the club size and what it has to offer, there could be at least 30 couples a weekend. That's 30 couples to choose from, you know there will be at least one or two your going to click with.
We always enjoy ourselves when we go, and stay away from the couples that are there to get drunk and cause drama. It doesn't happen that often, but there are those couples that can't swing unless they drink and they just don't know when to stop, and tempers flare and well you get the drift.
I can remember going to our first swingers club and the impression we got was that we didn't want anything to do with them, but then we tried another and really liked it, so don't judge by just one, try out a few until you find one you like and feel comfortable at.

Jenny

Posted by jenny at 7:04 AM

September 27, 2005

Swingers go public

I am sure you have seen the talk shows that have had
swingers on, I know we have and we get so pissed when they (the talk show hosts) don't understand nor do they care to understand what swinging is all about. Most times they have couples on the show at the same time where one spouse has cheated on the other and they talk more about cheating and how they got over it than they do the
swingers.
Recently a very well known talk show host had this very topic on, and she too had these couples who have cheated and not once was it clarified that
swinging and cheating are two totally seperate things!
Hubby and I were so ticked, yet not enough to the point of going on national tv and letting people in our community know we swing, mostly because it's in the bible belt and boy would that be something for the towns folk to talk about!
We were wondering why the hosts of these talk shows don't do their homework before they have these people on and try and understand that it's a lifestyle we choose and not something we do behind our partners back, and that it takes totally committed couples who are trusting and truthful with eachother to be able to swing, not couples looking to fix something in their marriage.
Not all couples are fine with just being with eachother, things do get boring, you do miss the tease and foreplay, and yes, after so many years together no matter what you do, and no matter how great sex is, there is still something missing, and it's usually that first time excitement, and THAT and only THAT is what we are looking for!
I can't speak for all the
swingers out there, but I know that is what hubby and I look for in the couples we are with and we love that excitement and it actually enhances our sexlife and doesn't hinder it at all and has opened us up emencely to eachother and within ourselves.
Sorry if I bored you, but boy were we mad at this talk show host!

Jenny

Posted by jenny at 12:08 PM

September 26, 2005

How many couples are swingers in your town?

We know of a few that
swing in our town, but try to keep with out of towners, you never know when something might not work out so we think it's just safer that way.

Well the other day I was in the grocery store and I hear someone hollar into the ladiesroom if someone was coming, the person in there said 'I'm coming, well not that kind of cuming, but you know what I mean'. I told hubby about it and he ask if I thought they might be
swingers, and asked if they were cute.
I didn't know if they were cute as I was a little indisposed so couldn't see, and if they weren't
swingers, then they were just very open with talking about sex.

It got us to thinking, although we have before many times seeing couples in restaurants whether they swung or not, but how many people in our town do swing, people we don't know about, people who aren't online maybe and are just very quiet about what they do.

You start looking at people in a different light, and asking yourself, gee I wonder if they
swing, or if she's bi or what have you. I know there are a few women I would be happy to find out if they are bi! It's a little hard to ask someone you meet at a local store even if you go in there often or they work there.

I honestly think
swinging is alot more wide spread than even we think it is, and that alot more women are bi, if not les than we even imagine. It certainly would make it alot easier if we all wore a pin or something so we would know eachother!

Jenny

Posted by jenny at 1:53 PM